White Trash Melrose Place

Oh my gawd! I been stalked!

2006-08-03T23:09:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all. I know you was wondering where I got off to. I been in hiding. Y'all ain't gonna believe this. I been stalked. I'm telling you, people on this interweb thing just ain't right.

Some crazy yokel got my web address and then started spamming my site. Then he started emailing all my friends. He wasn't asking for sex favors like that last guy was but, man! So I been hiding out. I haven't even gone to AA in two weeks because he knows I go there. If I hadn't a posted those pics of me and Amy Sue at the pond, he wouldn't have recognized me but now he's got me scared. It's been a couple weeks though so I think it's OK for me to come out of hiding.

Back!

2006-07-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

Hey y'all! Sorry I runned off like that and didn't tell nobody about it. Seems my momma's 5th husband died for good this time (He's died 4 other times but they keep bringing him back. He's got good insurance from the plant.) so I was oft at the funeral. Y'all he left my momma his trailor! Wasn't that sweet? Now she don't have to move in with me and Tommy Ray and ain't I grateful. She leads a very active "social life."

I saw that Earline Johnson down there at the funeral. Ya'll didn't hear this from me, but someone popped her good a couple of times. She had a shiner you wouldn't believe! She's always gossiping about other folks and it looks to me like she needs to tend to her own backyard, if ya know what I'm saying. That's why I dont hang around people who gossip or gossip myself cuz they never deal with their own problems.

Oh my gawd, did you people see Geraldine? What happened while I was gone?? I heard she got a boob job for working down at that strip club but it looks like she's smuggling cottage cheese in her bra, bless her heart. That ain't right. She needs to have that looked at. She also needs to go on over and see Earl Ray about them roots of hers. Lord knows she wasn't born blonde and she lets her hair grow until it's half and half before she fixes it. Earl Ray, you cut her a deal on that color now. You know she's got all them babies of hers over at her momma's to feed. I know she's sleeps with eveything behind a belt buckle, but bless her heart, she's too dumb to know any better. She's just like her momma.

Anyway, it's good to be home and y'all fill me in on what's been going on? Who's pregnant, who's dating who and let me know ya been! I'll whip up a new batch of my peach brandy.

I Gotta Stop Sleeping with My Cousins

2006-07-18T07:02:00.000-07:00

It really makes family reunions totally awkward. I mean, GOD, it's so over, no matter how much Miller High Life I drink, I am NOT going there with you again! Ok....maybe a little...but nothing further than second base!

Anyway, last week was the Pighor family reunion and as usual it was a rompin' stompin' muddy ol' time. Fist fights and flipper babies and all that fun stuff. I'm back now. And I had me a e-Tiffany. What are them called? Whatever, I figured out what I should do with my life.

I should go back to beauty school. For nails.

It came to me as started blacking out huffing too much gold spray paint (we ran out of weed). The gold on my fingernails looked so pretty! I should TOTALLY DO NAILS! Oh my god, y'all, it was like the Lord Jesus was tellin' me to go back to school!

I'm going to stick with it this time, folks. I swear, I'm not going to drop out again.

Is Bobbie Rae back yet?

2006-07-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

That booger borrowed my Spongebob Squarepants towel and I want it back. It's hot and I want to go swimming in the creek over by highway 115, you know, the one with the big rocks you can jump off of, but I don't have any other big towels. She said she'd give it back then she ran 'way with that guy of hers.

She better bring me back somethin' good or she's gonna regret it.

This is Donny

2006-07-07T10:04:00.000-07:00

I have Bobbi Rae. I'm takin her to Mexico. Don't y'all go callin no cops. If I can't have her, ain't no one can.

Geez Louise!

2006-07-06T10:32:00.000-07:00

Well, y'all, I found out what happened to Rico Sr. Actually, to be technical, the police found Rico. He passed out in the police station parking lot talking about how he was abducted by some aliens. Of course, the police were pretty skeptical, being as how Rico Sr. was stankin' pretty bad of Cookie's corn likker and road tar. Girl, I thought you stopped using road tar in your batches! Anyway, Rico went on an on about his abduction and what all probing happened to him so the police let him lead them back to the crop circle he said he got picked up at.

Yeah. The "field" was the VFW parking lot. The "crop circle" was a tire mark left by a donut Ray-ray done spun there in his new truck. You don't know want to know what the anal probe was.

It was Pepe. I'm so sorry, Edie Jo!

More Fuel For The Fire...

2006-07-05T18:48:00.000-07:00

White Trash

Hey Cookie?

2006-07-05T13:05:00.000-07:00

What was up with all them animal noises comin' from your trailer last night?? I just settled down after Kevin made a fire in the pit out back. I was gettin' ready to read some of the Star Magazine that I stole from work and all's I can hear from your trailer was mooin' and crowin'. What the hell was up with that??

How was everyone's else's Fourth of July holiday? Everyone still got their fingers and toes?

WTF?

2006-07-04T08:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, so why ain't none o' y'all been down to the Curl 'n' Purl Beauty Parlour & Yarn Emporium to git yaw hairs done? It's the biggest damned event of the summer, the 4th of July, and y'all are going out looking like that? Even Mrs. Federline got her do done up.

It's a sad sad day when I gotta wash the pig slop outta one o' youse hairs, so don't come a beggin' to me know. The shop is closed for the friggin' Holiday! Maybe me and Timmy Roy wil see you down in the Square for pancakes at the Pancake Festival. Maybe.

Ok,

2006-07-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

Who's bottle rocket just landed on the roof of my trailer??

I don't work hard and pay good rent money to have someone's crappy fireworks explode on my nice home.

Stop that giggling, Earl Ray.

I heard that!

Anyone Got 20 Bucks?

2006-06-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

I need to get my cable turned back on. Kevin didn't pay the bill- again. It was shut off yesterday, right in the middle of watchin' my cousin Cathy and her boyfriend Al go at it on the Jerry Springer show. Seems like he wants to wear girly undies. She ain't havin' none of it. Good fer her. Nasty man. They picked and shoved at each other, like a bunch of animals. All while he was on stage in a pink ruffled ballerina's dress. What's they called? I don't know. He looked like a freak, what ever he had on.

Anyways, I need to get the cable back on before my mama shows up with the baby. How else am I gonna be able to go to work if the baby doesn't have anything to watch while I'm gone?

And Brandine, I got somethin' that will help with that female issue you got goin' on down there. I just need some of that corn likkers, oatmeal and some oregano.

Fix that crotch itch up just fine.

Y'all, I'm So Worried!

2006-06-27T09:56:00.000-07:00

Have any of you seen Rico Sr.? Ever since we found out our marriage weren't really legal (something about being married by a drunk sailor in Teehuahua international waters? I mean, how was I supposed to know?! The sailor said it was legit! Anyway.) he has been SUCH an ASS about paying child support, and now he's nowhere to be found.

I went over to his trailer to find out where my money's at, and I'm not taking it in trade for no expired beef jerky this time, neither! I don't care if it's the kind that looks like chewing tobacco! Anyway, the door was open. I mean, the screen was gone. And whoo-ee, what a mess! Rico's beer can pyramid was all toppled over the living room, and our anniversary picture where it's all tan looking like the old west I'm all dressed up like a old timey bar hoochie was broken up all to hell. Y'all, it looked so scary!

His little black and white TV was missing, so maybe it was a robbery gone bad(!), or maybe he just pawned it again. Actually, he probably pawned it, I heard tell from Lurline that he lost his job at the drug lab. Something about the testing causing him too many side effects. I didn't think the warts looked that bad.

So if any of y'all see him, let me know. I been so worried today that I can't even put my hair in curlers, I had to put it up in a turban. So what if it's a dishtowel? You can't tell.

Dammit, Britney Sue....

2006-06-26T14:27:00.000-07:00

Kevin crapped on my roll-up lawn again. Damn, girl. When y'all getting your plumbing hooked up?

(Sorry, Edie Jo. Thought for sure it was that Pepe of yours.)

I'm back!

2006-06-26T07:07:00.000-07:00

Let me tell ya'll all about my weekend!

I spent the weekend in county jail. I got into a girl fight with some blonde bimbo at the bar on Friday night. Cops came and arrested us both.

She said that Kevin tried to touch her personal parts in the girls bathroom. I know she's lyin'. Why would Kevin go into the girl's bathroom? He's a boy, I told her. Dumb ass blonde.

Anyways, she came out screamin' to her friends what supposedly happened. I heard my man's name and went over to ask what the hell happened. Next thing I knew I was scratching at her with my Lee Press-On nails. The good ones. Ya'll know which ones I mean? The ones with the two tones. I lost 3 of them that night. They must have got caught in that rat's nest she calls a perm. I dunno.

The cops came and they arrested me and her. Kevin too. I tried tellin' them cops that he wasn't doin' nothin', but they took him anyways. I heard that he's tried that before- touching girls in the bathroom. He says he's never and I believe him. The cops say he's gonna be in jail for awile. Damn. I waited 16 months a couple of years ago for him. Now I have to wait again.

I hear Donny's single. He's so hot. His shoulders might be a bit hairy, but I don't mind. Maybe I'll invite him over for some french fries and some Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

Dammit, Edie Jo....

2006-06-25T03:43:00.000-07:00

Your chihuahua crapped on my roll-up lawn again! You better put that thing on a leash...

I Guess The Fat Lady Done Sang...

2006-06-25T00:52:00.000-07:00

Well, as you may all know Brandine and Chuckie are no longer and item.

I can't say that I'm upset cuz I've been carryin' around one heavy heart, let me tell you. Now I were all excited about them getting legalized and all [since that shit ain't legal for me and Starkiesha yet] but I've been realizin that Chuckie is one shady dude.

It all started a few weeks back, right after they gots engaged and all. Well, I were workin' my shift down at the club. Chuckie and that dumb ass cousin of his, Ray Ray come in talking loud and disrupting my very tradmark dance which is set to the song by Celina Dion...from that Titanic movie. Well, after I come off stage, they were there and asked me and Kiesha for a lap dance. I wouldn't do it, seein how me's and Brandine's friends and all. I told him to get home to his financee and we wouldn't bring up his being there.

Did he go home? No. Kiesha seen them out in the parking lot with that new floozy Velvet that night and several nights after then. I ain't for sure what they's be doin, but I don't trust no one that buys and wears underwear from the Goodwill. Thems used girl!

All I can say is that I'm happy they broke up on they own. I woulda said something, but I really wanted to be maid of honor. i was hoping to get to wear some fancy lacey sequined mini dress in the weddin. Oh well.

Summer in the Park

2006-06-23T11:26:00.000-07:00

Y'all, this heat wave is killin' me. The other day I filled up the kiddy pool (I borrowed the hose from the Dairy Queen, don't tell!) and spent the day with my two friends, Bartles and James. Mmm Mmm Mmm, Blue Hawaiian Coolers, that's all I gotta say. Now the pool's all full up with mosquitos, but I figure the rate Cookie's dogs are drinkin' at it it'll be empty soon anyhow.

Oh, Chucky and me aren't an item no more. You know I caught that bastard (shush, I know for a fact his parent's ain't married, they don't allow first cousins to marry in this state) steppin' out on me with that wall-eyed girl from Walmart. He is just too. much. First he wants to move in 'cause he got evicted. Well, I can understand that because he works construction and I mean, I sure wouldn't want to go to work when it's hot outside. Or too cold. Or foggy. Or if I'm hung over. Or just tired. So he got a little behind on his rent. I mean, it's only eight months, can't his landlord be reasonable?!

Where was I? Oh yeah, now I'm glad he got kicked out because now he's all trying to shack up with little Miss "I Can Watch Two TVs at the Same Time," and apparently she ain't having any of it. Probably because she already got something like 20 roommates living in her trailer, and it ain't even a double. Now I seen him sleeping in his 1983 Chevy Celebrity. Hah! Betcha wished you'd never even heard of Walmart!

I Ain't Stuck Up or Nothin

2006-06-23T09:03:00.000-07:00

But I've been so busy movin in and dealin with Donny that I ain't had the chance to properly introduce to y'all. I'm Bobbi Rae and I just left Donny to move here. We was common law but not no more cuz I can't handle that cheatin bastard.

You see Donny got laid off from the plant last month and he was drinkin away his sorrows and his severance. When it came time to pay his ex Charlene child support for Donny's baby Tiffanee, he had nothin. I ain't givin him any of my money for that skank Charlene. I work hard at DQ and I have the blisters to show for it. That skank was callin all hours of the night lookin for her money. I told her we ain't got none but she wanted Donny to meet her at Sonic. So Donny went up to Sonic on his hog and I followed in the Camino. Well he musta offered Charlene some lovin in exchange for the child support and the skank accepted. There they was in the back of her daddy's Ford rockin behind the old Wal-Mart when I screeched up. I knew what they was doin so I slashed the tires and screamed at Donny that I was leavin forever. I drove back to his maw-maw's house and packed up my stuff. Just to be mean I ripped up that T-shirt I got him at the mall with my face on it cuz I no longer love him forever and he done never wore it anyways.

Now I'm here and happy to meet y'all. I'm lookin for a new man. I want someone educated like my sister Shirlee's man who got his degree in AC Repair from that college they talk about during Judge Hatchett. He makes some good money, I tell you what. You should see the new truck parked on their front lawn and he just put a new kegerator in the carport.

So I if y'all know any educated men send 'em my way. And if you see Donny, tell him he'd better leave or I'm gettin a retraining order.

Is it hot in here or what??

2006-06-18T19:12:00.000-07:00

Hey, ya'll. My name is Britney-Sue. My boyfriend Kevin and me just moved in to the trailer next to that lady Edie Jo. I think that was her name. She's real nice and all, but what is up with that makeup? You'd think her man smacks her 'round with all that blue eyeshadow. Don't she know that blue eyeshadow is so last year? Black eyeliner and some pink shadow is all ya'll really need.

Anyhow, Kevin and I are settl'n in. I know what yer thinkin'. Britney-Sue and Kevin. Britney Spears and that guy Kevin. Nah, it ain't us. I'd never walk thru a gas station bathroom without my flip flops on. Well, unless we were at a truck stop becuz it's not really that dirty.

My Kevin also got himself a good job and all now that he's workin' the night shift at Wendy's. He brings home the leftover fries whenever he can. Come on over whenever ya'll feel like it. Sure they may seem a bit stuck together, but we just use that microwave thing and eat them gone. I'm working at Walmart during the day. My feet kill me lately from working in my 5 inch platform heels, but Kevin says they make my butt look smaller so I wear them. My manager Scott tried to kiss me in the break room once so I snuck into the back seat of his fancy 1992 Corolla and peed in his back seat. He's been bitchin' about a funny smell back there for weeks.

I know what yer thinkin'- how can 2 kids afford that big trailer with those pretty flamingos out front? Well not to give a bit of a secret away but, Kevin was grownin' some pot in our old place and sold some of it to my step daddy. Kevin said we can get the 2 bedroom so that the baby has somewhere's to sleep when he comes. Nah, I ain't pregnant again. My momma takes care of the baby for us, after Kevin got in trouble with the cops. He's innocent. He told me. The cops tried to say that he hit a guy after that guy hit Kevin 'cause Kevin slept with his wife. It ain't true, ya'll. Don't believe 'em. Kevin and I have got it goin' on. He says so every night after he comes home from work. He comes home at 3 even though Wendy's closes at 1. He smells like beer but swears he ain't doin' nuthin' but cleaning up the store. I believe him. He's the sweetest guy that ever knocked me up. I think it's his. Someday I want to go on that Maury guy's show and have one of those tests. You know, the ones that tell ya who the daddy is. They do it for free plus I hear ya get to go to New York City on an airplane and all. I ain't ever been there. Or on a plane.

Anyways, I gotta go. I have start crimping my hair if I ever want to get to work on time.

Stop by for a spell when you get a chance, a'right?

Gettin' Moved In

2006-06-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

Well hey, y'all! I liked it so much better here that I made Tommy Ray sell all them old washers and buy me that empty trailer next to y'alls. I guess that makes us neighbors now! Oh I am being so rude. Hi, my name is Edie Jo. My but this is a swanky park! I saw Miss Cookie and her umm..roommate over yonder under their trailer and I waved but they must be taking a nap or something under there. I bet it's nice and cool. With all the dogs.

Anyway, let me tell ya'll a little about myself. First off, I don't brook no nonsense when it comes to gossip. I won't stand for it. I have been ruined on gossip cuz that last place we lived? Earline Johnson lives over there and she is the biggest gossip I have ever met. She is always in other peoples business and telling stuff on folk. Let me tell you, she is the last person to be talking trash. Everyone knows she drinks too much, bless her heart. And she's always leaving her kids with her momma to go down to the bar when her husband, Bobby Lee Johnson, is working late at the mill. Why, my best friend Cindy Lou done told me that Earline's last baby wasn't even Bobby Lee's. Seems she took the truck in for a check-up down at Jimmy's shop and the truck wasn't the only thing gettin' checked-up on. Everyone knows Bobby Lee changes those spark plugs himself. So don't bring me no gossip cuz that Earline has just ruined me on people who gossip.

Oh hey, Brandine!! That Brandine, she's a hoot. She came over the other night for some of my homemade peach brandy and we played some rummy. She had to wait until evening so she could take herself a pee test for her parole officer, ya know. She said something about a tattoo that night but I didn't see one so if she has one...well, you didn't hear that from me, ok? I think that latest man of hers, what was his name, Chucky? Well, I saw him gettin' real friendly with that tramp Emma down at the bowling alley. I think he may be cheatin on her, bless her heart. It's just not right. Maybe she should hold onto Rico for a little longer, if you get my meanin. If she can keep Lurline off him. Not that it's any of my business.

Well I think I'm just gonna love it here! I am so excited to meet all my new neighbors. I gotta head inside and get ready for my bingo night down at the VFW hall, but I should be home by 9 if y'all wanna come over for cards and my homemade peach brandy. I got a whole new batch sittin in the tub as we speak! Ta- ta! (That there's French for goodbye.)

Betcha Thought I R-U-N-N O-F-T

2006-06-13T11:53:00.000-07:00

Howdy neighbors. Betcha thought I runned off somewheres. Well my big day as a Vegas dancer has yet to arrive. I was passed out under the trailer for the past 2 days. Kiesha made a batch of her famous corn likker. What we didn't drink we used to clean the garbage disposal and get stains outta a few of our costumes.

I'll be bringing some Mason jars around to all ya, in case y'all got some degreasing to do.

My Boyfriend is so DUMB

2006-06-12T14:04:00.000-07:00

I mean, I love him and all and this has been the happiest three weeks of my life since I met him, but dang, y'all! How dumb can you be!?

So Chucky (my bf) came over to my trailer (the kids were at granma's *winkwink*) and after our Five Minutes In Heaven he decided to go over to the gas station to pick up a case of Miller High Life. He said my Busch made him thirsty, but I don't know what he's talking about because I don't even LIKE beer and I only keep wine coolers in the frigerator.

Anyways, while he's there he met up with his friend Buster and Buster's cousin Rayray. Rayray just got him a new truck, and he was showing it off cuzI guess it don't have a lot of rust on it (I seen better trucks) and from what Chucky told me they decided to slip around to the alley and get their drinking going.

So they finish off the case of beer (and did Chucky call my pager during this time? No.) and decide you know what would be fun? Tying a lawn chair to the back of the truck and driving down the street. With Chucky in the chair. Y'all know where this is going.

Me and Lurline was outside so I could curl her hair up to go to some fancy French place (I forget the name but Chucky's mama works there) and we hear this whole mess of honking and yelling. And what do we see making this racket? Three numb nuts grinnin' and cheesin' and Chucky riding in that lawn chair like the Pope. Even our Lebanese neighbors (is that the right word?), Cookie and Starkiesha came out.

Of course, all these women watching, I guess the guys just had to go and show off and Rayray hit the gas. Well, Chucky went FLYING. We all laughed, until we looked closer and saw that he wasn't moving. Actually, Rayray and Buster kept on laughing. Then Cookie said something about a skill set made of cast Iran (me and Lurline smoked some green, so it's kinda fuzzy to me) and that shut them up. I think she was gonna fry up something cuz she had her pan out. Bent kinda funny, musta been one of those Oh-ree-annul wok pans? I dunno.

So now Chucky's in the hospital getting multiple stitches and the doctors were all laughing talkin' about some Darwin awards or something. I mean, I know they're doctors, but do they gotta talk about science all the time? They shoulda been paying attention to my baby!

I guess one good thing came out of all this. When Chucky got out of anethesia and stopped throwing up, guess what! He proposed! I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!! Not a minute too soon, cuz I think I got baby #4 on the way.

So I guess this means I gotta divorce Rico now? Ah shit, at least Lurline will be happy. Girl! Don't say I never done nothing for you!

Well, now...

2006-06-12T00:34:00.000-07:00

How d'you like the new trailer, ladies?

Drag queens a-plenty

2006-06-11T01:15:00.000-07:00

Cookie, I thought of you tonight. Amos took me out on a date to one of them fancy French restaurants and there was some of them drag queens out there wigglin' their stuff. Whoooeee, you should have seen how pretty they was. All dolled up in their tiaras and glitter. Wish I'd had my camera. Thought you could have used it for some ideas for you and Starkiesha since y'all need to get to Vegas and all...

Howdy, y'all!

2006-06-08T00:31:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to pop in and say a big howdy to my new neighbors! Good to meet y'all! Glad to be here. An extra big howdy to Brandine for not knocking my block off as soon as she saw me. Thanks, toots! I know you and me got off on the wrong foot, what with me sleeping with Rico Sr. and all. I know you know we was just drunk and that I didn't mean anything by it.

Oh My Gawd, Y'all!

2006-06-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

So my friend Geraldine and her boyfriend got in a HUGE fight outside their trailer last night around 11:00 (I remember because I had finally gotten Rico Jr. to sleep. I wonder if it had anything to do with the poptarts I gave him for dinner?). I mean, they fought in front of the whole park! EVERYONE was lookin' out their windows and stuff. NE wayz, turns out Earl (Geraldine's bf) found her in bed with...get this...HIS DADDY! Oh man! When he yelled that out, Geraldine turned bright red and tried to come back at him about his crank dealing which is SUCH old news I mean DUH nobody cares anymore and then Earl's daddy done came the trailer and he and Earl got into it! It was better than WWF (although The Masterpiece will always be my fantasy man) AND during the fight they knocked out all of Geraldine's ugly ass ceramic garden frogs. That made me real happy as she is always trying to brag about those things. Hmph, everyone knows my bunnies-n-mushrooms is much cuter. So then, Earl stormed off in the El Camino after trying to get it started a few times and Geraldine and Earl's daddy (gotta find out his name) went back in the trailer and let me tell you it was ROCKIN. Which is so gross, but whatever, we all know Geraldine will shack up with anybody who can buy her a tall boy.

Can I Park My Double Wide Here?

2006-06-06T16:28:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! I jes moved in. I usta live in Fontana, California, but after my husband, Haywood, found outtabout me and Starkiesha, he jes bout loss his damn mind! It's amazing the stuff you do after three bottle of Scrawberry Hill. I ain't never been interested in girls er nuthing, but 'kiesha n I been best friends for 6 months...we's gots all the same interests...tube tops, sparkle nail polish 'n we both want to be Vegas showgirls...so it jes seemed right. Anyway, Haywood was yellin' at Starkiesha and so I hit him with my cast iron skillit. We made sure he was breathin', ditched him on the neighbor's porch, and took off.

We stopped here for lunch and to restock our box wine collection and it seemed a nice enough place to set down awhile. Besides that, there's a club right off the Interstate. I ain't never danced fer an international crowd! Jes yes'erday, I gave a lapdance to a nice man from Montana. He said Starkiesha 'n me could come and visit anytime. I wonder if we'd need passports...cuz I got them warrants for solisitation and Starkiesha still a suspect in that stabbin' behind the Quickie Mart.

Anywho...I'm excited to meet all my new neighbors...please feel free to stop by anytime and introduce yerself...we always got somethin' cookin up [although my cast iron skillit don't sit right no more due to Haywood's head].

And by the way...my real name is Christina, but I'd prefer if you'd call me by my stage name...Cookie. Cookie Yamacoochie [which is a clever reference not only to my Asian-American heritage, but to my favorite food]. See ya around!!!

Hello Y'all!

2006-06-05T13:23:00.000-07:00

God, finally a place where I can write about my crazy life! Shoot, I had me a diary but my second son's father found it and got all P.O.'d that I'd written about his DUI. Anyway, I gotta run to AA, see ya!