Thursday, August 03, 2006

Oh my gawd! I been stalked!

Hey, y'all. I know you was wondering where I got off to. I been in hiding. Y'all ain't gonna believe this. I been stalked. I'm telling you, people on this interweb thing just ain't right.

Some crazy yokel got my web address and then started spamming my site. Then he started emailing all my friends. He wasn't asking for sex favors like that last guy was but, man! So I been hiding out. I haven't even gone to AA in two weeks because he knows I go there. If I hadn't a posted those pics of me and Amy Sue at the pond, he wouldn't have recognized me but now he's got me scared. It's been a couple weeks though so I think it's OK for me to come out of hiding.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Back!

Hey y'all! Sorry I runned off like that and didn't tell nobody about it. Seems my momma's 5th husband died for good this time (He's died 4 other times but they keep bringing him back. He's got good insurance from the plant.) so I was oft at the funeral. Y'all he left my momma his trailor! Wasn't that sweet? Now she don't have to move in with me and Tommy Ray and ain't I grateful. She leads a very active "social life."

I saw that Earline Johnson down there at the funeral. Ya'll didn't hear this from me, but someone popped her good a couple of times. She had a shiner you wouldn't believe! She's always gossiping about other folks and it looks to me like she needs to tend to her own backyard, if ya know what I'm saying. That's why I dont hang around people who gossip or gossip myself cuz they never deal with their own problems.

Oh my gawd, did you people see Geraldine? What happened while I was gone?? I heard she got a boob job for working down at that strip club but it looks like she's smuggling cottage cheese in her bra, bless her heart. That ain't right. She needs to have that looked at. She also needs to go on over and see Earl Ray about them roots of hers. Lord knows she wasn't born blonde and she lets her hair grow until it's half and half before she fixes it. Earl Ray, you cut her a deal on that color now. You know she's got all them babies of hers over at her momma's to feed. I know she's sleeps with eveything behind a belt buckle, but bless her heart, she's too dumb to know any better. She's just like her momma.

Anyway, it's good to be home and y'all fill me in on what's been going on? Who's pregnant, who's dating who and let me know ya been! I'll whip up a new batch of my peach brandy.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I Gotta Stop Sleeping with My Cousins

It really makes family reunions totally awkward. I mean, GOD, it's so over, no matter how much Miller High Life I drink, I am NOT going there with you again! Ok....maybe a little...but nothing further than second base!

Anyway, last week was the Pighor family reunion and as usual it was a rompin' stompin' muddy ol' time. Fist fights and flipper babies and all that fun stuff. I'm back now. And I had me a e-Tiffany. What are them called? Whatever, I figured out what I should do with my life.

I should go back to beauty school. For nails.

It came to me as started blacking out huffing too much gold spray paint (we ran out of weed). The gold on my fingernails looked so pretty! I should TOTALLY DO NAILS! Oh my god, y'all, it was like the Lord Jesus was tellin' me to go back to school!

I'm going to stick with it this time, folks. I swear, I'm not going to drop out again.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Is Bobbie Rae back yet?

That booger borrowed my Spongebob Squarepants towel and I want it back. It's hot and I want to go swimming in the creek over by highway 115, you know, the one with the big rocks you can jump off of, but I don't have any other big towels. She said she'd give it back then she ran 'way with that guy of hers.

She better bring me back somethin' good or she's gonna regret it.

Friday, July 07, 2006

This is Donny

I have Bobbi Rae. I'm takin her to Mexico. Don't y'all go callin no cops. If I can't have her, ain't no one can.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Geez Louise!

Well, y'all, I found out what happened to Rico Sr. Actually, to be technical, the police found Rico. He passed out in the police station parking lot talking about how he was abducted by some aliens. Of course, the police were pretty skeptical, being as how Rico Sr. was stankin' pretty bad of Cookie's corn likker and road tar. Girl, I thought you stopped using road tar in your batches! Anyway, Rico went on an on about his abduction and what all probing happened to him so the police let him lead them back to the crop circle he said he got picked up at.

Yeah. The "field" was the VFW parking lot. The "crop circle" was a tire mark left by a donut Ray-ray done spun there in his new truck. You don't know want to know what the anal probe was.

It was Pepe. I'm so sorry, Edie Jo!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

More Fuel For The Fire...

Hey Cookie?

What was up with all them animal noises comin' from your trailer last night?? I just settled down after Kevin made a fire in the pit out back. I was gettin' ready to read some of the Star Magazine that I stole from work and all's I can hear from your trailer was mooin' and crowin'. What the hell was up with that??

How was everyone's else's Fourth of July holiday? Everyone still got their fingers and toes?